


Ad Litem

by Sid



Category: Boston Legal, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 20:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/739691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sid/pseuds/Sid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Fic Promptly prompt: Denny gets swapped with Kirk and ends up on the Enterprise dealing with the Klingons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ad Litem

"Captain!"

Denny blinked at the garish colors surrounding him.

"Spock to McCoy. Your presence is needed on the bridge, immediately."

"What's happening? Where am I?" Denny tried to rise from the chair he was sitting in, but a firm hand pressed him back down.

"Please remain where you are, Captain. You are not yourself."

"Then who am I?" Denny peered up at the man holding him in place. "Whoa! What happened there? Have you been in an accident? I think you have a lawsuit on your hands."

"A… lawsuit?"

Denny waggled a finger alongside his head and mouthed, "Your _ears_."

The man's eyebrows went up. Then he looked past Denny and said, "Doctor."

"Lawyer," Denny corrected, automatically. He looked at the new, worried face in front of him. "Now you say, 'Indian chief'."

"Jim, what's happened to you?"

"Well, I have put on a few pounds; I suppose I really _should_ go to the gym more often. What?"

"Captain Kirk," said the man with the ears.

"Pleased to meet you. Denny Crane." Denny extended a hand.

"Jim?" asked the worried man.

'"What, right now? I'm really not dressed for… what the hell am I wearing?"

"Are you, or are you not, Captain James T. Kirk?" Ears asked.

"I thought you were! Are you trying to confuse me now? That's not very nice. I have mad cow, you know. I can get confused all by myself, without any outside help, thank you."

"Spock, what happened?"

"I turned and saw him as he is."

"Is it even Jim?"

"It's the Captain's voice… eyes."

"Ears," Denny mouthed.

"What are you going to do?" the worried man asked. "The Klingons are expecting an answer."

"Of that I am well aware, Doctor."

Denny opened his mouth and then closed it again. Neither of these two seemed disposed towards playing 'Rich Man, Poor Man'. "What's happening?" he tried asking again.

Ears released the hold he'd kept on Denny's shoulder this entire time. "A hostile force is nearby, awaiting a response from our captain. We will very likely come under attack if that response is not forthcoming."

"I'll respond," Denny said gamely. "I look like this guy, right? Just tell me what to say. Hey, I don't want to be attacked."

The worried man looked at Ears. "Is there any way he could pull it off? The voice, the uniform…."

"The age, the weight."

"Hey! I'm offering my help, here. No need to insult me."

"Maybe if he stood at the back of the bridge and we dimmed the lights?" Worried Man said doubtfully.

"We may not have any other choice."

"Hey, too bad you can't just project a holo-whatsit of your guy," Denny chuckled.

Ears raised his eyebrows. Denny thought about renaming him. "That is an excellent suggestion."

"It is? Of course it is. I'm Denny Crane!"

~~~~

"So he moves when I do? Mouth, hands, everything?"

"That is correct, Mr. Crane. We will stand over here where we cannot be seen, and you will speak the words we have rehearsed. To the Klingons it will appear as if Captain Kirk himself is speaking to them."

"Don't forget the mad cow."

"I will be at your side to prompt you. I am confident of your ability."

"Yes, well." Denny preened a bit. "I am accustomed to speaking to hostile parties. Witnesses, judges. You'd be surprised how many judges are hostile to me; you really would."

"The Klingons are hailing us, Mr. Spock."

"The floor is yours, Mr. Crane. On screen, Lieutenant."

A face filled the screen. "It is time, Kirk. What is your answer?"

It was the kind of face that should only live in nightmares. Denny took an instinctive step backwards and ran up against the firm hand of Mr. Spock at his back. Remembering that the holographic image of Kirk mirrored everything he did, Denny quickly assumed a posture of relaxed confidence, just right for convincing a jury that a client was innocent as a lamb. "My answer? My answer is: according to the treaty of Magolopos, the Klingon Empire has no jurisdiction here. And not only that," he swaggered forward two steps and raised a finger, "according to sub-section ten zero five point…"

"Three," Spock whispered.

"Point three, we not only have the right but the _duty_ , the _duty_ I say, to kick your asses out of here." Denny put his hands on his hips. "Which would be a distinct pleasure."

"The Klingon Empire does not recognize your treaty," Nightmare Face sneered. Of course the sneer seemed to be permanent. 'Honey, I'm home' probably was delivered with a sneer.

"Hey, you signed it! We're entitled to take that, in good faith, as an indication that both parties have come to a full agreement. You try to renege and I will sue your asses!"

Spock cleared his throat urgently.

"After I kick them!" Denny realized he was losing track of the conversation, but he was pretty sure he'd said everything he was supposed to say. "Therefore, in accordance with the laws and statutes of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts…"

"The Federation."

"And the… Federation of Massachusetts, I insist… that you… go away now! Because I'm getting tired of looking at your face."

"End transmission!" Spock said loudly.

The screen went black.

"That went well, I thought," Denny said hopefully. "What did you think?"

"I think we shall know very soon. Photon torpedoes, stand by."

"Standing by."

There was a tense silence.

"Mr. Spock! The Klingon ship is leaving orbit! They've gone into warp!"

"That's good, right?" Denny asked, breathlessly. He hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath.

"Yes, Mr. Crane. You've done very well."

"Yes, well, it wasn't quite what I'm used to, but one copes, one makes adjustments. He was really ugly, though. You should have warned me about that. Spork my eyes out ugly." Denny shuddered.

"Spork?"

"Spock!"

"Indian chief?" Denny muttered to himself. No, it didn't fit.

"I have the lab results back on the tests I ran on Mr. Crane. I've identified his disease as one they used to call Alzheimer's."

"Yes, that's it," Denny said. "I call it mad cow. Easier to remember."

"Well, the important thing is," and here Doctor McCoy smiled like a man who had never been worried in his life, "we can not only stop your illness in its tracks, we can also reverse most of the effects it's had on you."

"We can?"

"Yes, we can!"

"Don't quote Obama, please." Denny waved a hand. "I'm a Republican. So you can fix me?"

"Almost as good as new."

"That'll make my husband very happy. He worries about me, you know. Alan. Have I mentioned him? He must be wondering where I am." Denny looked around the bridge, confused.

"If you will go with Doctor McCoy, I will continue to investigate the cause of your arrival on the Enterprise, and search for a way to return _you_ to your husband, and our captain to us."

"That sounds like an excellent plan. Get on that, would you?" Denny followed the doctor.

Spock accompanied them to the elevator. "I will, Mr. Crane." The doors swished open.

"Call me Denny."

The doors swished shut.


End file.
